Petunia the Donkey (Television Personality)

 "One of the most important jackasses in American television history...a definite cultural icon." -American Institute of Television

 

Life with Petunia (1956-1960)

A pet donkey named Petunia follows two muleskinners, Pork and Beanz, around the Wild West.  Petunia could talk to the audience by using subtitles, but Pork and Beanz could only hear her bray.  The two would get themselves into all sorts of wacky adventures resulting in catastrophes from which Petunia would save them.  Petunia was famous for her line “Pork and Beanz is going to get canned!”

The show generated lots of merchandise during its initial run –from lunch boxes to Petunia dolls.  The best selling item among girls was a straw hat like the one Petunia wore with a yellow sunflower and donkey ears; boys preferred the gray or blue muleskinner hats like the ones Pork and Beanz wore.

The show most people remember is the last episode in which Petunia drags Pork and Beanz into the wagon after they knock themselves out trying to get away from lit sticks of dynamite they thought were candles.  Petunia then jumps into the back of the wagon, grabs the reins of the workhorse Theodore, and drives the buggy to the doctor’s office in Gold Nugget City. Memorable line from the episode:  Doc: “I seen a horsefly, but by tarnation, Sheriff, I’ve never seen a donkey drive.”

Characters
Petunia as herself 
Rock Boylan as Pork
Kenny Smith as Beanz
Theodore as himself
Winston Smith as Doc Johnson

Petunia’s Wagon Train (1960-1965) 

Everyone’s favorite donkey is back –in Full Color!  In this series, Petunia is a member of a wagon train going further west.  She is accompanied by a cowgirl named Bessie and an Indian named Bumblin’ Bee.  Bessie is the only person that can understand Petunia and together every week they save the wagon train and Bumblin’ Bee whenever trouble occurs.  Hilarity always ensues!

According to television legend, the actor that played Bumblin’ Bee, the British actor Harrington Cross III, hated animals, especially donkeys, making it easy to play his character which had a love/hate relationship with Petunia.  Bumblin’ Bee is famous for the line, “If I a choice, you’d be a pair of moccasins (or teepee or saddlebag or leather belt or whatever –it was changed every week)

Characters
Petunia as herself
Mary Alexander as Bessie
Harrington Cross III as Bumblin’ Bee

Mack Kennedy as Colonel Frederick Beauregard

When the series was cancelled in 1965, four movies were made to continue the franchise:

Son of Petunia, 1965

Bessie (played by Mary Alexander) must find a way to get Petunia to St. Louis to give birth to her colt; however, somebody wants to stuff her and put her in an Old West museum.

Brewster Kicks It Home, 1967

Petunia’s son, Brewster, must find his way home after accidentally getting off a train in Los Angeles.  While traveling he meets Freddy (played by Mack Kennedy), a down on his luck veteran.  During their adventures, Brewster and Freddy are hired to play for a local baseball team. Brewster helps the team to victory and becomes a star.  He finds his way home traveling along with the baseball team.

(NOTE: This movie is set in the 1960s instead of the Wild West.  The movies that follow after this will also be set in more modern times)

Brewster Kicks Across Europe, 1970

Brewster the donkey travels to Europe to play in baseball game and discovers relatives destined for the glue factory.  He defeats, with the help of his friend Freddy (played by Jack Farnsworth*), the evil glue factory millionaire Sir Alfred Stickibunns (played by veteran Shakespearean actor Sir Charles Fenwick).  He and Freddy help the donkeys find a home in a petting zoo in London. Cheerio!

*Mack Kennedy died in 1966 and was replaced by the younger Jack Farnsworth

Brewster Kicks Again!, 1973

Brewster meets a circus donkey named Lovey, and he and Freddy (Jack Farnsworth) must help her save the big top from a scheming corporation bent on closing down the Algernon Brother’s Family Circus.

Later in the seventies, a movie was made to try to bring the famous franchise back to television:

Son of Brewster (made for TV movie), 1976

Brewster the Donkey’s son, Algernon, saves a little town from being demolished and ultimate finds a quiet pasture for his entire family.

The reboot movie:

Three Donkeys (animated) 2016

Three donkeys (Petunia, Brewster, and Algernon) must save the world from the archvillian Zazu and her evil henchmen.  Zazu wants to poison all the farms with a monster plant she has created in order to force everyone to buy food from her factories.  It is up to the three donkeys with an orphan named Bess and a bumblebee sidekick named Bebe to stop the evil Zazu.

Heaven and Earth (the book)

“As proud Southerners, we don’t take kindly to being told by Yankees what we are doing wrong. It might be the wrongest of the wrong, but we prefer that you didn’t correct us. Don’t come down here and think you know what’s going on. Heck, even we don’t know what’s going on here half the time.” --from "The Squirrels of Sypsamulga"

A collection of mostly humorous short stories 
about the American South

[The wedding has started and two cows have died from being poisoned outside the church hall, which has been decorated for the wedding reception. Sam and Arliss have to figure out how to get rid of the dead cows. They decide to gut ‘em and cut ‘em to make them easier to remove, but a pocketknife is too small…]

      “It’s going to take forever to do this with a pocketknife, Arliss.”
      “Don’t Cousin Silas have one of them little chainsaws in his pick-up truck they use to cut branches off trees? I bet it’d slice right through that meat.”
      “He does but won’t a chainsaw, even a little one, be too noisy?”
Arliss thought for a second and said, “Well, I’m not that smart but I think that if the cow’s gutted and bled then we could pull him into the church hall to cut him up with it. I think that’d muffle the sound. They ain’t that noisy anyways. They’d never hear it with the doors shut way up there in the church sanctuary.”
      “Arliss, you’re brilliant. Now run go get that saw out of Silas’ truck!”
      Sam started to pull the gutted carcass up the steps of church hall. Arliss pulled up his pants and ran up the hill to the church parking lot. He rubbed his nose on his sleeve and smiled to himself because he was so brilliant.

---Excerpt from the story “Luther and Wynelle’s Wedding” from “Heaven and Earth”

Click here to purchase on Amazon
 (In the UK, click here.)

Click here to purchase at Barnes and Noble

Also available and Powells and other retailers.

ISBN: 9781500599027

Sugar Rush (poem)

photo by Elisa Azzali CC by 2.0

I wish funnel clouds were funnel cakes,

And thunderstorms blueberry pies.

I wish rain were made of sweet iced tea,

Lemon drops would be the sun.

I wish clouds were only fluffy cakes

Near mountains made of fudge,

Encircling an ice cream desert

With an oasis of butter rum.

Trees made full of gingersnaps

Pouring hot chocolate for fun.

Oh, for a world of spun sugar -

I couldn’t eat just one.

But the world’s not made of sugar

So chew a piece of gum

Keep the sugar in my dreams

Or I’ll just weigh a ton.

"Mark Twain Reviews Ambrose Bierce: 'The Laugh Is Too Expensive'"

Ambrose Bierce

Samuel Clemens

Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was asked in 1874 by his publisher 

to write a review of the book  Nuggets and Dust Panned Out in California by Dod Grille,  

written by Ambrose Bierce.   The publisher, Chatto & Windus, 

knew that Bierce and Clemens had known each other since the 1860s, and figured a quotable review by Clemens might boost lagging sales of the book.  They got a review, just not one they expected.  And, needless to say, Clemens and Bierce remained friends.

Farmington Avenue,
Hartford

4/8/74

Gentlemen:

"Dod Grile" (Mr. Bierce) is a personal friend of mine, & I like him exceedingly — but he knows my opinion of the "Nuggets & Dust," & so I do not mind exposing it to you. It is the vilest book that exists in print — or very nearly so. If you keep a "reader," it is charity to believe he never really read that book, but framed his verdict upon hearsay.

Bierce has written some admirable things — fugitive pieces — but none of them are among the "Nuggets." There is humor in Dod Grile, but for every laugh that is in his book there are five blushes, ten shudders and a vomit. The laugh is too expensive.

Ys truly

Samuel L. Clemens





(Source: Boston Public Library, via Lettersofnote.com)

Now for Something Completely Different: The Dam Blue Red Bull

 When I read it I imagined a Monty Python skit, but you can't really make this stuff up. 

 It's pretty much self-explanatory.  Just a slice of country life. 

Ajax by John Steuart Curry, 1937 at Smithsonian American Art Museum

To the Superintendent, Atlantic City Railroad, Sept. 1896

Dear sir,

On the 15th yore trane that was going to Atlanta ran over mi bull at 30 mile post.

He was in my Pastur
You orter see him

Yore ruddy trane took a peece of hyde outer his belly between his nable and his poker at least fute square and took his bag most off and he lost is seeds. I don’t believe hi is going to be any more use as a bull.

I wish you would tell the President he is ded, for he is as good as ded ever since he was hit by yore trane.

Yours respectfully

A.T. Harris

P.S.—Be sure and report him as ded as he has nothing left but his poker. He was a red bull but he stand around in these days looking dam blue.

(Source (via http://www.lettersofnote.com): The Oxford Book of Letters; Image via Wikimedia.)

 Go to www.lettersofnote.com for more letters of note, I recommend it. 

Mark Twain's letter to the "most ignorant person now alive on the planet"

Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) sent the following letter to J. H. Todd, a salesman who had just attempted to sell phony patent medicine to him. Mr. Todd had sent a letter and advertisement to the Clemens’ home. According to the advertisement, the "medicine" in question, called "The Elixir of Life", could cure ailments such as meningitis, which had killed Clemens' daughter in 1896, and diphtheria, which killed his 19-month-old son. Clemens, in ill health at the time and very recently widowed, was understandably furious.  He dictated this reply to his secretary, signing it with his famous alias.   

Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain

Nov. 20. 1905

J. H. Todd  
1212 Webster St.
San Francisco, Cal.

Dear Sir,

Your letter is an insoluble puzzle to me. The handwriting is good and exhibits considerable character, and there are even traces of intelligence in what you say, yet the letter and the accompanying advertisements profess to be the work of the same hand. The person who wrote the advertisements is without doubt the most ignorant person now alive on the planet; also without doubt he is an idiot, an idiot of the 33rd degree, and scion of an ancestral procession of idiots stretching back to the Missing Link. It puzzles me to make out how the same hand could have constructed your letter and your advertisements. Puzzles fret me, puzzles annoy me, puzzles exasperate me; and always, for a moment, they arouse in me an unkind state of mind toward the person who has puzzled me. A few moments from now my resentment will have faded and passed and I shall probably even be praying for you; but while there is yet time I hasten to wish that you may take a dose of your own poison by mistake, and enter swiftly into the damnation which you and all other patent medicine assassins have so remorselessly earned and do so richly deserve.

Adieu, adieu, adieu!

Mark Twain

Click here to see an image of the original note and more information

For more interesting letters of note, click here.

"Mama's Cooking Blog 2055: Avocado Steak"

 Before Ethan, the greatest genetic engineering feat of all times had been the creation of the avocado steak -- 
a guilt-free meat analog.

Avocados, rich in health-benefiting mono-unsaturated fatty acids, seemed like the logical choice when scientists began to look for a real meat substitute.  It had a creamy fatty texture that could easily be translated into something meatier. The fear-mongering urban myth says that the avocado was modified using maggot DNA but everyone knows that it was actually Tenebrio molitor and bovine DNA. The end result being a moist succulent flavorsome meat analog. When they first hit the market you had people (usually dressed as Rosie de Avocado) demonstrating how to prepare the avocado steak.  Silly, but fun! No one will ever forget the red and green holograms!

How to prepare an avocado steak

1.                    Rub off any remaining brown husk. Be sure to fully wash the outer layer, removing any hairs or other stray bits. If not already removed, remove vestigial legs by pinch them as close to skin as possible.

2.                    Place the avocado steak fruit lengthwise on a secure surface.(Hint: Place a rubber mat on your counter or cutting board to prevent slipping.)

3.                    Hold the avocado securely with one hand, the softer belly of the avocado steak facing upward. Twist neckbulb until it can easily be pulled from the belly (You can get your dealer to do this)..

4.                    Slice slowly down the belly lengthwise around the tubercle, or ‘seed’, starting at the narrower neckbulb end.

5.                    Holding the avocado steak in the palm of one hand, use your other hand to twist and rotate the two halves apart.  Do this easily as the steak might slip away from the outer skin easily if it is very ripe.

6.                      Remove any excess fat from the belly, as this is excellent when used to saute the steak.

7.                    Remove the tubercle, or ‘seed’ (or leave it in if you plan to store one half) by slipping a spoon between the seed and steak. Gently work the tubercle, or ‘seed’, out - taking away as much of the lining as possible (the lining becomes nothing more than tough gristle when cooked).

8.                    For ripe avocado steaks, the outer skin or peel is easy to remove. Simply slice the avocado steak in half or cut into wedges.. Then grasp the outer dark layer or skin and pull it away from the inner red flesh of the steak. If some of the darker almost black portions of the skin remain on the red flesh of the steak, simply cut them away. The yellow to red portions of the avocado steak are what you want. Most people prefer a dark orange-red flesh. Do not consume the outer skin.

9.                    Cook your avocado steak through and until the internal temperature reaches 170°F.  Well-cooked avocado steaks are a medium gray (Hint: a proprietary browning liquid can be purchased from most avocado steak dealers.)

10.                When preparing avocado steaks, be careful to prevent cross-contamination by keeping your preparation area clean and separate from other foods such as meat, poultry, seafood, fruits, vegetables or nuts. Be mindful of other foods and surfaces they may come in contact with.  Genetic contamination can also create rogue genetic material on your kitchen surfaces. (Note: All genetic material derived from avocado steaks, present and future, is solely owned by American Biotech Consortium.)           

Avocado steak is excellent when prepared with Fun-tatoesâ, which give you that authentic meat-and-potato experience.  Adding Air-Carrotsâ creates a delightful “potted roast” dish.

Personal note:  My kids still sing the “Rosie de Avocado” song from the HOLO-NET, while dancing the “BBQ Shuffle”.

Rosie de Avocado Song

I’z Rosie de Avocado,

And kidz, here’s my motto,

 A day without a steak,

Izza pure heartache,

So hold out yer plate

And have an avocado steak

(everybody then rubs their belly and shouts "GMO-IS-O-SO-GOOD!")
ãAmerican Biotech Consortium, 2031

NEXT WEEK'S BLOG: Chicken Fingers and Scorpion Cabbage: Not just for Halloween anymore