(A
Fan-Fiction
Salute)
[Intro:
“Thank You For Being A Friend”]
[Interior
scene: Kitchen]
[Two
men in suits walk into the kitchen from the garage. They carry a
little old lady in a yellow robe
between them. She has a boombox in one hand, a purse in the other.
They set her down.]
Man
#1:
So
Mrs. Petrillo, you understand the mission.
Sophia:
Yeah,
I sing my song. Then I get a big-screen TV.
Man
#2:
If
they like it…
[Man
#1 pokes
him]
I
mean, after you sing it. This
is the final stop -your home turf.
Sophia:
Of
course, they’ll like. This reminds of a story...picture it, Rome,
1952. I was visiting my cousin Gina…
Man
#1:
[interrupting]
Are
they out there? You want that big beautiful big-screen television, am
I right?
Sophia:
[She
walks to door leading into livingroom. She sneaks a peek and turns
back]
They’re
on the couch.
Man
#1:
[To
Sophia] Now get out there and sing your sweet little Italian
grandmother butt off!
Sophia:
[Whispers
to Man #1]You can treat me to an egg cream at Wolfie’s first. [She
pinches his butt. The man looks uncomfortable.]
Man
#2:
[He
walks to the door, pokes his head out]
Are
you ladies ready for some great entertainment?
Blanche:
We’re
as
ready as a vixen at a Chippendales convention! [Turns to Dorothy] Can
you believe my sister Virginia stole that idea for her new
book “Vixen Goes to Hollywood! [She
picks up a book from the endtable and reads the back of it]
‘Vixen
meets a group of retired male strippers and becomes embroiled in a
torrid affair with them all’. Can
you believe her thievery? Now I’m glad I stole her beau at that
winter cotillion that
one year
back in school.
Dorothy:
Not
now, Blanche! [Turns her head to the kitchen and points]
Who
was
that man? [Everyone
ignores her]
Rose:
Oh
boy! Afternoon entertainment! Dorothy, is this what they call a
‘matinee’?
Dorothy:
[sarcastically]
Yes, Rose. In a minute, Dreyfuss is going to come along pulling a
wagon asking us to go to the lobby and buy ice cream and Raisinets.
Rose:
I
like Goobers. You know the chocolate-covered peanuts in a……
Dorothy:
[Interrupting
Rose] Rose, you are a Goober.
[Sophia
walks into living room. Rose, Blanche, and Dorothy just watch her as
she plugs in the boombox. Sophia smiles and presses the play
button.]
Sophia:
[Singing to the tune of "Thanks for the Memory"] "Thanks for the Medicare / For Blue Cross and Blue Shield / For a hip that finally healed / Aetna and United Healthcare, oh such great appeal!/ We thank you so much!" Okay, what did you think? Now don't hold back, I can take the criticism.
[Singing to the tune of "Thanks for the Memory"] "Thanks for the Medicare / For Blue Cross and Blue Shield / For a hip that finally healed / Aetna and United Healthcare, oh such great appeal!/ We thank you so much!" Okay, what did you think? Now don't hold back, I can take the criticism.
Blanche:
Depressing.
Depressing.
Dorothy:
Horrible.
Horrible.
Rose:
Icky.
Icky.
Sophia:
[Unplugging her boombox and storming out] Go to hell, all of ya!
[Unplugging her boombox and storming out] Go to hell, all of ya!
[Sophia
bursts back into the kitchen]
Okay,
Rodgers and Hammerstein, let’s talk about the TV.
Man
#1:
Did
they like it?
Sophia:
Did they like it? Does the Pope love my marinara sauce? Let me tell
you a story...picture
it, Rome, 1970.
I was visiting my cousin Gina.
She gets a call from the Vatican saying the cook had food poisoning.
Immediately, I jump into action. I run to the Vatican with my
saucepan. I’m in such a hurry that I trip. A small child helps me
to my feet. That child was...Mario Batali.
Man
#2:
What?
Sophia:
Ok,
they hated it. I demand my TV though,
I can’t be blamed for shoddy writing.
Man
#1:
Ok,
Mrs. Petrillo, you’ll get your TV. If anything the health
insurance industry is fair and generous.
Sophia:
[Reaching
into her purse, she pulls out a card]
You
can deliver it tomorrow. Before
supper….anytime
before four pm.
[Man
#1 takes the card and he and Man #2 walk to the door to the garage]
Man
#2:
[whispers]
You’re going to give her the TV?
Man
#1:
[whispering
back] Only a small 12-inch set. It’ll be a big screen when she
sits really close to it –we’re cancelling her vision coverage
next week. [He pauses, looks around, and gives a big grin]
Pre-existing condition!
Man
#2:
You’re
my hero! [He pats Man #1 on the back. They exit.]
[Dorothy
walks into the kitchen followed by Rose and Blanche]
Dorothy:
Ma,
who were those men?
Sophia:
[Nervously]
The Hopkins twins...collecting money for their paper route...yeah,
that’s it, Hopkins
kids, paper route.
Dorothy:
Ma,
Sam and Mike are eleven years old.
Sophia:
[sarcastically]
Hey,
when you were eleven, the Harlem Globetrotters tried to put
you on their team. Unfortunately,
it was the same year you got braces. Your father worked too hard to
get that metal into your mouth….plus we couldn’t find a
mouthguard large enough.
Dorothy:
I’m
serious, Ma. What is going on?
Sophia:
They
hired me to go around singing that little song in all the malls. They
called it community outreach. They’re insurance lobbyists...and
they’re giving me a big-screen TV.
Dorothy:
Ma,
I forbid it. I will not allow you to do this. Lowering yourself to
their level. The
Tv probably isn’t even real. They used you, Ma.
Sophia:
You
won’t allow me? Oh, what will you allow me to do? [sarcastically]
What will you allow me to do? Go on a date without a chaperone? Buy a
wine
cooler with
my new ID? I’m going to my room! [She pauses and turns back] If the
cute one calls, tell him I might be able to sneak out after 11:00
after you go to bed! [She storms out, slamming the kitchen door]
[Dorothy
and Blanche sit down at the table. Rose pulls a cheesecake out of the
fridge and brings it to the table]
Rose:
Should
I carry a slice to Sophia?
Dorothy:
[sarcastically]
No, Rose. We’ll let her
calm
herself down and read her Tiger Beat magazine first.
[Rose
looks puzzled]
Blanche:
Will
she be alright, Dorothy?
Dorothy:
She’ll
be fine. She’s just scared and angry. We both got letters from
our healthcare providers saying our premiums will be
going up. It’s frightening to be old and knowing your health
insurance might not be affordable in a time you really need it. But
we’ll make it!
Blanche:
Of
course we will. We have each other! [She
pats the other girls on the shoulder] And we’re going to get out
there and change the system.
Rose:
You
know this reminds me of the time in St.Olaf when Johan Higgehlooper
tried to get universal udder insurance for his dairy cows. You see
Johan had really dry skin on his hands and everytime…
Dorothy
and Blanche:
[Together]
Oh, shut up, Rose!
[Credits
roll]
