The Golden-ish Girls --Episode: “Thank You for Being My Insurance Provider?”

(A Fan-Fiction Salute)

[Intro: “Thank You For Being A Friend”]

[Interior scene: Kitchen]

[Two men in suits walk into the kitchen from the garage. They carry a little old lady in a yellow robe between them. She has a boombox in one hand, a purse in the other. They set her down.]

Man #1:

So Mrs. Petrillo, you understand the mission.

Sophia:

Yeah, I sing my song. Then I get a big-screen TV.

Man #2:

If they like it…

[Man #1 pokes him]

I mean, after you sing it. This is the final stop -your home turf.

Sophia:

Of course, they’ll like. This reminds of a story...picture it, Rome, 1952. I was visiting my cousin Gina…

Man #1:

[interrupting]

Are they out there? You want that big beautiful big-screen television, am I right?

Sophia:

[She walks to door leading into livingroom. She sneaks a peek and turns back]

They’re on the couch.

Man #1:

[To Sophia] Now get out there and sing your sweet little Italian grandmother butt off!

Sophia:

[Whispers to Man #1]You can treat me to an egg cream at Wolfie’s first. [She pinches his butt. The man looks uncomfortable.]

Man #2:

[He walks to the door, pokes his head out]

Are you ladies ready for some great entertainment?

Blanche:

We’re as ready as a vixen at a Chippendales convention! [Turns to Dorothy] Can you believe my sister Virginia stole that idea for her new book “Vixen Goes to Hollywood! [She picks up a book from the endtable and reads the back of it] ‘Vixen meets a group of retired male strippers and becomes embroiled in a torrid affair with them all’. Can you believe her thievery? Now I’m glad I stole her beau at that winter cotillion that one year back in school.

Dorothy:

Not now, Blanche! [Turns her head to the kitchen and points]

Who was that man? [Everyone ignores her]

Rose:

Oh boy! Afternoon entertainment! Dorothy, is this what they call a ‘matinee’?

Dorothy:

[sarcastically] Yes, Rose. In a minute, Dreyfuss is going to come along pulling a wagon asking us to go to the lobby and buy ice cream and Raisinets.

Rose:

I like Goobers. You know the chocolate-covered peanuts in a……

Dorothy:

[Interrupting Rose] Rose, you are a Goober.

[Sophia walks into living room. Rose, Blanche, and Dorothy just watch her as she plugs in the boombox. Sophia smiles and presses the play button.]

Sophia:
[Singing to the tune of "Thanks for the Memory"] "Thanks for the Medicare / For Blue Cross and Blue Shield / For a hip that finally healed / Aetna and United Healthcare, oh such great appeal!/ We thank you so much!" Okay, what did you think? Now don't hold back, I can take the criticism.

Blanche:
Depressing.

Dorothy:
Horrible.

Rose:
Icky.

Sophia:
[Unplugging her boombox and storming out] Go to hell, all of ya!

[Sophia bursts back into the kitchen]

Okay, Rodgers and Hammerstein, let’s talk about the TV.

Man #1:

Did they like it?

Sophia: Did they like it? Does the Pope love my marinara sauce? Let me tell you a story...picture it, Rome, 1970. I was visiting my cousin Gina. She gets a call from the Vatican saying the cook had food poisoning. Immediately, I jump into action. I run to the Vatican with my saucepan. I’m in such a hurry that I trip. A small child helps me to my feet. That child was...Mario Batali.

Man #2:

What?

Sophia:

Ok, they hated it. I demand my TV though, I can’t be blamed for shoddy writing.

Man #1:

Ok, Mrs. Petrillo, you’ll get your TV. If anything the health insurance industry is fair and generous.

Sophia:

[Reaching into her purse, she pulls out a card]

You can deliver it tomorrow. Before supper….anytime before four pm.

[Man #1 takes the card and he and Man #2 walk to the door to the garage]

Man #2:

[whispers] You’re going to give her the TV?

Man #1:

[whispering back] Only a small 12-inch set. It’ll be a big screen when she sits really close to it –we’re cancelling her vision coverage next week. [He pauses, looks around, and gives a big grin] Pre-existing condition!

Man #2:

You’re my hero! [He pats Man #1 on the back. They exit.]

[Dorothy walks into the kitchen followed by Rose and Blanche]

Dorothy:

Ma, who were those men?

Sophia:

[Nervously] The Hopkins twins...collecting money for their paper route...yeah, that’s it, Hopkins kids, paper route.

Dorothy:

Ma, Sam and Mike are eleven years old.

Sophia:

[sarcastically] Hey, when you were eleven, the Harlem Globetrotters tried to put you on their team. Unfortunately, it was the same year you got braces. Your father worked too hard to get that metal into your mouth….plus we couldn’t find a mouthguard large enough.

Dorothy:

I’m serious, Ma. What is going on?

Sophia:

They hired me to go around singing that little song in all the malls. They called it community outreach. They’re insurance lobbyists...and they’re giving me a big-screen TV.

Dorothy:

Ma, I forbid it. I will not allow you to do this. Lowering yourself to their level. The Tv probably isn’t even real. They used you, Ma.

Sophia:

You won’t allow me? Oh, what will you allow me to do? [sarcastically] What will you allow me to do? Go on a date without a chaperone? Buy a wine cooler with my new ID? I’m going to my room! [She pauses and turns back] If the cute one calls, tell him I might be able to sneak out after 11:00 after you go to bed! [She storms out, slamming the kitchen door]

[Dorothy and Blanche sit down at the table. Rose pulls a cheesecake out of the fridge and brings it to the table]

Rose:

Should I carry a slice to Sophia?

Dorothy:

[sarcastically] No, Rose. We’ll let her calm herself down and read her Tiger Beat magazine first.

[Rose looks puzzled]

Blanche:

Will she be alright, Dorothy?

Dorothy:

She’ll be fine. She’s just scared and angry. We both got letters from our healthcare providers saying our premiums will be going up. It’s frightening to be old and knowing your health insurance might not be affordable in a time you really need it. But we’ll make it!

Blanche:

Of course we will. We have each other! [She pats the other girls on the shoulder] And we’re going to get out there and change the system.

Rose:

You know this reminds me of the time in St.Olaf when Johan Higgehlooper tried to get universal udder insurance for his dairy cows. You see Johan had really dry skin on his hands and everytime…

Dorothy and Blanche:

[Together] Oh, shut up, Rose!

[Credits roll]

Restitution

      Malcolm had barely been awake for five minutes when he heard the soft footsteps in the hallway headed toward him. The door opened and his granddaughter rushed to the bed, bouncing on the covers.

     “Happy tire mint, grandaddy!”

     He patted her on the head and reached for his glasses. “It’s called ‘retirement’, Maya, and thank you!”

     “Maya, did you wake up your grandfather?” Malcolm’s wife, Loretta, stood in the doorway, her arms crossed.

     “No, Nana, he was already woked up.”

     She crossed over to the bed and gave Malcolm a kiss. She then picked up Maya.

     “We’ll let you get yourself together and then you can join us for breakfast”, she said to him and then looked at Maya. “How about waffles this morning?”

     “Yes, waffles, please, “ Maya replied.

     “How about waffles?” Loretta asked Malcolm.

     “Well, why not! Woo hoo! It’s my big day!” He held up his hands and gave them a wave.

     “Woo hoo!” shouted Maya, waving her little hands too.

     Loretta grabbed Maya and walked to the door. She turned back to Malcolm and gave him a small smile, then left.

     Malcolm sank back into the pillow. This was his last day at work. He let out a sigh. He had accomplished so much in the past fifty years and he never guessed he’d make it to this day. But he was going to simply treat it like any other day. He had one last Restitution to preside over, then no more. It was actually a good thing that he could pass the responsibility on to James, his deputy. Malcolm knew that he had secured his place in history when the government had adopted his idea of Restitution for criminals. It had been the project of a lifetime. He had to now let it go. He felt it was time.

     Maya was dabbing a piece of waffle into her syrup when Malcolm walked into the kitchen. Loretta walked over to him and gave him a cup of coffee.

     “You should just stay home with me and Maya,” she told him. “What can they do? Fire you?”

     “Let me have this last day and one last Restitution. We’ve already discussed this.”

     “Oh, I know. But you haven’t had to go to any Restitutions in years. You’re only a figurehead at the company anyway, they would be fine with you…”

     “You think I’ll decide not to retire...”

     “I just want you all to myself now,” Loretta leaned in and gave him a kiss. “Now let’s get some homemade waffles into you to start your big day.”

     “I hope we’ve got some juicy sausage or bacon, too.”

     Loretta frowned as she held up a blue and white package. “Only this,” she replied.

     “Not that fake stuff...not today of all days!”

     “I tried to get some real bacon, my dear, but Orlon’s has stopped carrying it. I talked to the manager but he said that it was too much trouble with all the new laws and everything.”

     Malcolm sighed and thought about the days before animals were thought to be feeling sentient creatures. He wished for the time when pigs were ham, bacon, chops, and sausage, and not emotional beings with rights. Since most industrial nations had given animals rights and banned slaughtering animals for food, the United States had seen a huge rise in meat prices and a move toward similar laws concerning animal welfare. The food corporations had begun to cut their ties with the animal farming operations, converting to meat substitutes. The fresh water crisis only sped up the process – it took too much water to raise food animals. Some called it progress, Malcolm called it madness.

     Malcolm worked for the National Prison Agency. Thirty years ago, he had lobbied for a change in polices concerning capital punishment. He himself had put forth the idea of Restitution as a graduate student in college, but it wasn’t taken seriously until the drug crisis occurred.

     Companies had started to end production of the drugs used in lethal injection executions. Some states had stockpiled the drugs for future use, but eventually those supplies began to drop. States began looking into other methods – firing squads, hanging, even the guillotine had been considered -but all were considered to be painful, drawn-out processes. Others had begun looking to ban capital punishment altogether, bowing to anti-capital punishment activists.

     One of Malcolm’s friends in college had remembered his graduate work and talked to a senator about it. Malcolm was called to Washington to explain his ideas. A few years later, the National Prison Reform Act was passed and Malcolm was chosen to implement Prisoner Restitution as a cornerstone of the reforms. “Capital punishment” was replaced by “Restitution” and states readily accepted this humane practice.

Malcolm walked into his office. He noticed a large book on his desk. He walked over and opened the cover.

     “The Victim’s Liaison Office went back through their files and put that together for you,” said his assistant Janine, poking her head through the doorway. She walked in and set down some papers. “I need you to sign these.” She looked at the inscription inside the book. “Letters from over the years from crime victim’s families praising the Restitutions they had gone through. That was real sweet of them.”

     “I’ll have to pop down and thank them later.”

     “Don’t forget you’re having lunch with the commissioner before the Restitution.” Janine tapped the papers lightly, reminding Malcolm to sign them. Malcolm adjusted his glasses, then took out his pen from his briefcase. “Your retirement party is a 5:30,” she reminded him. She then whispered, “ on’t be late. I hear there will be appearances by some bigwig politicians – maybe a vice-president – but you didn’t hear it from me.”

     “Oh, Janine.”

     “Some people think you’re a big deal, Boss.”

     “Not after today.”

     Malcolm did very little work. Most of the morning was spent accepting best wishes and congratulations from colleagues and taking phone calls saying pretty much the same. Lunchtime was spent with the prison commissioner and a few select VIPs in the prison industry. Restitution had proven to be a quite profitable option. Two hours later, Malcolm rushed away to his last Restitution.

     Malcolm got to the Restitution Center as they were bringing in Jimmy McKinzey for his Restitution. He entered the chamber as a nurse judged Jimmy’s dosage of Calmicolizine. The prisoner looked at him and meekly smiled – the effects of the drug given to him at his last meal. Malcolm silently burped – the effect of too much fake steak at his last meal. Malcolm was glad that most prisoners were now given sedatives and other drugs, it made it easier to deal with them. He was thankful the drug companies had introduced programs to medicate prisoners, it had made prisons calmer places, almost like schools.

     People slowly began to appear in the chamber – Jimmy’s attorney, the victim’s family, the commissioner, and others. Malcolm sat down at the large table across from Jimmy. He looked at his watch, it was time to start.

     An officer called the chamber to order. Malcolm shuffled through his papers and then looked up at Jimmy.

     “James Arthur McKinzey, inmate number 45629D, you have been called forth to this chamber for your Restitution. Do you understand that today you have to pay for your crimes against Nathalie Howe, who you brutally murdered last year, and provide restitution to her surviving family? Do you comply?”

     Jimmy stared at him for a second. “I do,” he said, with a slight slur.

     “As the verdict has been made and the prisoner understands that restitution has to be paid to the satisfaction of the victim’s family, to this state, and to this nation, according to the law. Your assets have already been transferred to the victim’s family in the amount of $3, 235.00; as a balance is still outstanding, we will proceed with the Restitution.” Malcolm turned and motioned to the two officers standing behind him. Jimmy made no show of emotion.

     The officers walked over to Jimmy and helped him to his feet.

     “James Arthur McKinzey, proceed to make your Restitution.”

     The officers escorted Jimmy to a curtained side of the chamber. They led him through the curtain into a small antechamber, followed by Malcolm. Meanwhile, inside the large chamber a large screen appeared from behind a wooden panel and the lights were lowered. A camera in the antechamber flashed, signaling that it had begun transmitting the event to the large screen.

     The officers placed Jimmy onto a slightly-inclined large metal slab, jutting out from the wall. Malcolm pulled over a stool and sat down beside Jimmy.

     “Time for your Restitution, James.”

     Jimmy slowly turned to look at Malcolm. He looked into Malcolm’s eyes and smiled.

     “Do you understand?” Malcolm asked, and slightly shaking his own head.

     Jimmy gave a shallow shake of his head, then grinned.

     “He’s ready.” Malcolm gave a sign to the officers standing near the slab.

     One of the officers moved a console close to Malcolm. The other officer reached up and pulled down a swing arm to which was attached a headset. Three large cylinders protruded out from the headset. Malcolm placed the headset onto Jimmy’s forehead. He adjusted it over Jimmy’s eyes and secured some straps which encircled Jimmy’s head. The other officer secured a strap across Jimmy’s chest and his legs.

     “Okay, Jimmy, I want you to count down from ten with me.” Malcolm pressed a few buttons on the console. “Okay, now we will start. Count with me. Ten...nine...eight...” The man slurred the number eight. Malcolm pressed a red button. There was a soft thud and a wisp of smoke appeared above the cylinders. There was a shudder across the man’s entire body as three bolts were driven into his brain, as was once done to cattle and pigs in slaughterhouses. There was no seven.

     “The law places the value of $488,000.00 on human life. Today, James Arthur McKinzey paid that ultimate price toward his debt. There can be no outstanding balance and Restitution has been paid,” said Malcolm, after turning to the camera which had shown the event to the people in the chamber. Malcolm paused and removed his glasses. “I would also like to say this is the last Restitution I shall preside over. I am glad that I have helped give closure to the family of victims over the years and that I have offered to the world a quick and painless method to implement justice. May we never go back to old days of needless and drawn-out suffering again. Thank you.” The camera light then signaled the end of the transmission.

     There was loud bell, and the nurse appeared. She placed a mask over Jimmy’s nose and mouth. There was a slight buzz and she placed a device on Jimmy’s chest. She pulled a display panel from the side of the slab. The slab was raised parallel to the floor. A hatch opened in the wall and there was a rush of cold air. The slab moved into the hatch, then closed quickly after Jimmy’s body disappeared inside.

     “Thank you, Nurse Greene. My office will finish the paper work and send in on.” The nurse nodded and left.

     Malcolm would now leave the organ harvesting and all to the medical division. The victim’s family would receive their commissions, and Jimmy’s body could realize a big return in compensation for them. There was still so much paperwork, but he was not too worried about it. It’s a job for someone else now, he thought. He had a retirement party to attend.

The Most Difficult Thing For Mankind

Humans are capable of doing grand things. We build monumental feats of engineering. We crystallize our ideas and imaginations into books. We travel at breath-taking speeds. We even leave our own planet to explore the heavens above. However, we still view the world according to our own immediate environment. We see the world usually as our home, family, and friends...simply put, whatever is comforting and familiar to us. Of course, there are the explorers, the people who expand beyond the immediate; yet, still, for many of us humans going outside this, we feel fear, hate, intolerance, all those negative things. We are afraid of what we don’t understand and what is different. Religion helps many of us to make sense of all we don’t understand. Yet we even take religion and mold it into something familiar, comforting, routine.

God knows what we humans are like.

We have created a million ways to seek God and the ultimate truths. A million sacred texts to find the answers and the way. Once you take out all the man-made stuff—Bible interpretations, traditions, requirements, customs, doctrine, and all that generates fear and misgiving or that forces you to conform to a man-made idea of what religion should do or be --you are left with something simple. Something so simple we humans can’t seem to collectively grasp it.

That simple thing is for us to get along and love one another. It is not to fear what is strange and new. It is wanting us all to work together. It is treating others the way we wish to be treated. It is wanting us to really love one another and seek peace. You can see for the entirety of human history, we have fought this simple idea of true peace. Wars, terrorism, greed, slavery, genocide, hatred, mutilation, intolerance, the pains of humanity have been "business as usual" for the human race since it has existed. We even quote Bible verses to say there will always be war and rumors of wars. We kill other religions and ideas to push our own agendas. We blindly follow leaders who tell us to hate. We applaud greed as necessary. We say we speak for God when we want violence to comfort our fear.

Maybe what God only wants for us and from us is for us all—every person, every race, every nation, every faith, everyone— to simply get along and love each other...because He knew that that would ultimately be the most difficult thing we would ever have to do.

Can the Constitution Alone Save Us?

We put a lot of faith in a document which was written over 200 years ago; and yes, it is an amazing document.  But could it alone save America from a person or group that really wanted control of a world power and economic titan?

If you are a believer that the Constitution of the United States will completely prevent the United States from becoming a country of limited freedoms with a totalitarian government, then you need to know that even the constitutions of the Soviet Union declared certain political rights, such as freedom of speech, freedom of assembly, freedom of religion, and a series of economic and social rights (and duties) for all its citizens. The single party that governed the Soviet Union didn't let the words on paper limit its powers - with enough rules, regulations, and legislation, you can slowly and completely disregard the written law of the land. You'd never actually know the Power behind the dismantling of freedoms until it has finally silenced every dissenting voice and doesn't need to hide any longer.

Belief in the power of the document is essential, but we must also be vigilant on the creation and implementation of minor laws and regulations which limit and remove freedoms for everyone.  Bureaucratic government and social programs don't necessarily herald a diminishing of freedoms, freedoms are curtailed when power becomes consolidated within a single entity or group and they seek to keep that power through any means necessary.  The Soviet Union was ruled by a single party, a single party that strove to keep its power in all branches of government - executive, legislative, and judicial.  And not even the constitution in place could not prevent freedoms from disappearing.

For more information and text of the Constitution of the United States, click here.

From the 1936 Constitution of the Soviet Union:

"FUNDAMENTAL RIGHTS AND DUTIES OF CITIZENS

          ARTICLE 118. Citizens of the U.S.S.R. have the right to work, that is, are guaranteed the right to               employment and payment for their work in accordance With its quantity and quality.

The right to work is ensured by the socialist organization of the national economy, the steady growth of the productive forces of Soviet society, the elimination of the possibility of economic crises, and the abolition of unemployment.
ARTICLE 119. Citizens of the U.S.S.R. have the right to rest and leisure. The right to rest and leisure is ensured by the reduction of the working day to seven hours for the overwhelming majority of the workers, the institution of annual vacations with full pay for workers and employees and the provision of a wide network of sanatoria, rest homes and clubs for the accommodation of the working people.
ARTICLE 120. Citizens of the U.S.S.R. have the right to maintenance in old age and also in case of sickness or loss of capacity to work. This right is ensured by the extensive development of social insurance of workers and employees at state expense, free medical service for the working people and the provision of a wide network of health resorts for the use of the working people.
ARTICLE 121. Citizens of the U.S.S.R. have the right to education. This right is ensured by universal, compulsory elementary education; by education, including higher education, being free of charge; by the system of state stipends for the overwhelming majority of students in the universities and colleges; by instruction in schools being conducted in the native Ianguage, and by the organization in the factories, state farms, machine and tractor stations and collective farms of free vocational, technical and agronomic training for the working people.
ARTICLE 122. Women in the U.S.S.R. are accorded equal rights with men in all spheres of economic, state, cultural, social and political life. The possibility of exercising these rights is ensured to women by granting them an equal right with men to work, payment for work, rest and leisure, social insurance and education, and by state protection of the interests of mother and child, prematernity and maternity leave with full pay, and the provision of a wide network of maternity homes, nurseries and kindergartens.
ARTICLE 123. Equality of rights of citizens of the U.S.S.R., irrespective of their nationality or race, in all spheres of economic, state, cultural, social and political life, is an indefeasible law. Any direct or indirect restriction of the rights of, or, conversely, any establishment of direct or indirect privileges for, citizens on account of their race or nationality, as well as any advocacy of racial or national exclusiveness or hatred and contempt, is punishable by law.
ARTICLE 124. In order to ensure to citizens freedom of conscience, the church in the U.S.S.R. is separated from the state, and the school from the church. Freedom of religious worship and freedom of anti-religious propaganda is recognized for all citizens.
ARTICLE 125. In conformity with the interests of the working people, and in order to strengthen the socialist system, the citizens of the U.S.S.R. are guaranteed by law:

1. freedom of speech;
2. freedom of the press;
3. freedom of assembly, including the holding of mass meetings;
4. freedom of street processions and demonstrations.

These civil rights are ensured by placing at the disposal of the working people and their organizations printing presses, stocks of paper, public buildings, the streets, communications facilities and other material requisites for the exercise of these rights.
ARTICLE 126. In conformity with the interests of the working people, and in order to develop the organizational initiative and political activity of the masses of the people, citizens of the U.S.S.R. are ensured the right to unite in public organizations--trade unions, cooperative associations, youth organizations,' sport and defense organizations, cultural, technical and scientific societies; and the most active and politically most conscious citizens in the ranks of the working class and other sections of the working people unite in the Communist Party of the Soviet Union (Bolsheviks), which is the vanguard of the working people in their struggle to strengthen and develop the socialist system and is the leading core of all organizations of the working people, both public and state.
ARTICLE 127. Citizens of the U.S.S.R. are guaranteed inviolability of the person. No person may be placed under arrest except by decision of a court or with the sanction of a procurator.
ARTICLE 128. The inviolability of the homes of citizens and privacy of correspondence are protected by law.
ARTICLE 129. The U.S.S.R. affords the right of asylum to foreign citizens persecuted for defending the interests of the working people, or for their scientific activities, or for their struggle for national liberation.
ARTICLE 130. It is the duty of every citizen of the U.S.S.R. to abide by the Constitution of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, to observe the laws, to maintain labor discipline, honestly to perform public duties, and to respect the rules of socialist intercourse.
ARTICLE 131. It is the duty of every citizen of the U.S.S.R. to safeguard and strengthen public, socialist property as the sacred and inviolable foundation of the Soviet system, as the source of the wealth and might of the country, as the source of the prosperous and cultured life of all the working people.

Persons committing offenses against public, socialist property are enemies of the people.
ARTICLE 132. Universal military service is law. Military service in the Workers' and Peasants' Red Army is an honorable duty of the citizens of the U.S.S.R.
ARTICLE 133. To defend the fatherland is the sacred duty of every citizen of the U.S.S.R. Treason to the country--violation of the oath of allegiance, desertion to the enemy, impairing the military power of the state, espionage is punishable with all the severity of the law as the most heinous of crimes..."


To read the entire 1936 Constitution of the USSR, click here.